NaBloPoMo: What goes through my head When I come to write a post

I have been gone for quite some time and a lot has happened. That is part of why I am doing this November Blog a day. I stopped blogging and I wish I hadn't. I have composed blogs in my head...thought of witty things I might post on my blog, but every night, I spend too much time canning, or too much time on facebook, or some other nonsense, and I end up with the words in my head but nothing behind them.

I have been gone for some time because a lot has happened and I am lazy.

If you knew the half of it, you might not come back if you were me.

The good news is, all the things I love the most are close to me...well, that's not true.

The good thing is, J and E are still here and we are a family.

A lot has happened. Some people are not as lucky as I am.

Here is a list of things that have happened:
A relative came to live with us but was able to return home.
Our dog died.
Our cat went missing for almost 24 hours
We got a new dog.

Winnie (l) and Ruby(r) before Winnie died

My work situation got super super crazy.
I stopped believing in myself.
I stopped thinking about tomorow.
I started to again.
I got a little sick and ended up in the hospital.
I lost sleep over smallish and biggish things.

One theme that happened through seveal of these "stories"? X-rays. Yep. X-rays and ultrasounds and ct scans. To or not to. And to what end.

I will leave that at that for now.

I am changing the mood of my blog by free writing in this way. I don't care if you don't like it.

That's not true. I do care. But I want to write something other than texts to friends and facebook status updates. So I am writing this.


I have been gone for quite some time. I have missed being here to blog about my life. I have another blog which is equally neglected. Perhaps I will blog there weekly too for November.  If I do, I will start that on the weekend.


I have been gone.
a lot has happened.
how are you.

PS: I started this post before November 2nd. 

Hair and other things

Last post was kind of heavy. Things are still hard but I am trying to give us some space from my mother and enjoy our life with our friends, who are amazing. My son is also amazing, and I realize that more when I am away from my mother more and when I am not fighting to make him into someone or something that he isn't. the fact is, dinner out with your 3 year old on a friday night when you have to wait 40 minutes to be seated is never going to turn out well. Oh, and you have to wait outside on the sidewalk too, of course. And the wait followed an hour in the car.

Bah.

So he's great. But one thing that I didn't predict loving about him is his hair. I mean, I love his hair. He has perfect curls and lots of them. I dread cutting it for real when he (or we) decide it must be cut. Right now, we all love it, so though he is seen as a girl from time to time, the hair is here to stay.

curls

curls

We have some fun plans for the weekend. In fact, E and J are out picking strawberries with some of our friends today. Then tomorrow we are going to this awesome looking circus demonstration and sunday a bbq at our friend in closest proximity.

In 2 quick weeks we are off to vacation, which is exciting and terrifying both.

Thanks again to everyone who offered kind words last post. I just got super down with all the stress.

Now, behold the boy.

sleeping off a fun morning, memorial day

party

family picture from the night we took e to dinner too late and just about lost our minds. We look good anyway...you'd never know.

Update

Well, we moved from the hood to paradise, basically. Chicago style paradise, which doesn't mean hotdogs or super deep dish pizza, but we moved north in Chicago. We have a large back deck, a small yard, free heat and laundry, and we are steps (like 50 steps) from a giant, awesome, green expansive park. My commute is longer. It means I am on the bus an hour each direction every day. BUT, everything else is far far far better.


E. climbs trees now too. And he's really good at it. He was made for it! He can climb anything, this kid.


Work is not so good right now and hasn't been for over a month. I'm not sure when (or if) it will get better. I feel as if I must need to reexamine my career...but this isn't the time to do that as I need to have a job and at least it pays pretty well.

I'm getting a lot of pressure from my family about E's behavior. He is an intense kid who likes to push boundaries. We don't always know what to do about it. My mother seems to think he's going to be a bully and that we are to blame. It's very hard having him around her when she constantly is on him for every little thing he does. We have rules in our house, but they are not the same as hers. I don't know what to do about it, and every time we have to see her I worry for days about what he might do and what she might say. It makes me a very stressed parent. This week, my brother is in town, so I am extra stressed because we will be around them a lot. It doesn't help that E is 3, and that he's still adjusting to the move (we moved may 1st). Of course my mother swears that moving isn't a big deal and doesn't get why he's having a hard time. We moved a lot as kids, and she thinks it was easy for us. In my case, I know I was too afraid of her to seem like it was anything but easy. Also, our first move was when I was 8.

"Every kid is different, he's a bit more sensitive", isn't enough for her. Of course, this is the same mother who came down on me for holding him too much when he was a baby. Can you hold a baby too much?

I'm very sad and frustrated. Being a mom of a kid going through 3 is hard enough. It really is. I wish I had some support from her...but I should know that's not something I would ever get.

Here are some great pics from the weekend. Sorry to be such a downer. I just feel alone right now, and so much like I need to wrap my family up and take them far far away from her.

e and his "best friend" and cousin.

putting his hat out for candy

Read this

I love this blog in general, but today's post was fully awesome. Read it, people.

http://ginsoakedolive.blogspot.com/2011/03/come-out-come-out-wherever-you-are.html

3!

What I made him.

What we made him for cake.

home made dino pinata. Made by J. She rocks!

She made the crown too.

A constant theme...no time to post. But I will post these 3 year old pictures from E's party in case anyone still reads this. If you do read this, please comment. Thanks!

Hope

I have too much going on to write right now, but I wanted to put this out to any crafty people out there. Also to anyone who likes to buy handmade crafts. There is a website and an etsy shop that is donating 100% of it's proceeds to Doctors without Borders for Haiti. I am going to make some stuff for the shop. I'll letcha know more when I actually get it done.

for now visit the store and the site. and do what you can.
http://crafthope.com/2010/01/craft-hope-for-haiti/


let me never forget how safe and lucky I am.

sleep is for the weak

that's what peanut said yesterday, at nap time. Oh, he slept....but only for about 20 minutes.  

the beautiful start to a very short nap

Then he was up up up to party.

We went to my moms. A first in many years. We usually go to Detroit but the people we see there, J's fam, moved too far away to visit at thanksgiving. 

Dinner at my moms went better than I thought. E melted down a bunch, but when you skip a nap, that happens. He was super cute with his cousin and ate turkey, which is a big deal because he doesn't like meat very much.

 

yyyyyyuuuuuum!

with  the cousin

This good holiday makes me feel cautionarily optimistic about christmas. We are in town for both holidays this year. certain people i know who d not live in my house are a little stressie and sad at christmas, but it comes out as anger.

More on that later, or not.

For now, I'm going to leave it with the fact that we had a great holiday!

did you hear about the giveaway? You only have a few more days to enter to win your very own custom made softie. See the give it away now post for more details!

hard day

today was so hard it felt like a monday. to top it off, it rained all night making my poorly designed bus commute home quite soggy, and annoying. without going into detail, I'll just say that sometimes things come up at work that are difficult to address and they become a headache for me. What I dislike --oh come on, Sarah-- what I hate the most is when an emergency comes up at 4 and i have to fix it before i go. many of you who read this might be thinking i have a poor work ethic. I might. I might. But that's only because I want to be home with my fam. But at any rate, I did stay at work late and then I had my usual hour plus commute. got to see the peanut for about 40 minutes before bedtime.

I really have to get cracking with my crafting. I have lots to make.

still no poptarts

Ripple Effect

I don't post about her often, mostly because I like to respect her privacy. But she gave me a beautiful son, she shares her life with me, takes care of our son while I work, and in the meantime is amazingly talented. She supports and encourages my creative endeavors, but has a whole bunch of her own. There is the novel of course, but this post is dedicated to her crochet. Before e was born, she made him a blanket. And just recently she made me one too. They are ripple blankets and so warm and cozy. They are not easy to make and crochet is time consuming. Each color is carefully planned and executed. And I love that it brings her joy to make them, since they take a long time to make and are luxury.

here they are:

e's

mine before it was done

e in his kitchen. a $15 yard sale find. Yep, she found it. See, amazing.

Give it away give it away give it away now

Ok. For all my readers, yes, even you, I am offering a super fun for me and you (yes, you) giveaway. Not familiar with the concept giveaway on a blog? It's simple, I offer something, and you all, all my readers, you all comment, post about the give away on your own blogs, sign up to follow me, that kind of stuff (full details below) and on a given date (in this case, December 1st) a winner will be announced. Winner will be picked randomly.

Now, why is my (MY) giveaway special? Well, I'm giving you the chance to tell ME what YOU want. That's right. But wait...it's not, "i want an eye-phone." the giveaway will be a dance peanut softie and this gives you chance to think up a softie you want to see, and have me take a swing at creating it.

Winners will be selected randomly. You have to enter to win.

several ways to enter.

• need some ideas? ask your kids, tell me your dream monster, think of a ridiculous combination (cat-horse or, um, elephant-fish --you know a fishaphant)

• what the hecks a softie?

• where's peanut? you're sweet to ask. asleep right now, but here he was in a leaf pile.

How to enter the "Dance Peanut Softie Adventure Giveaway":

1. Comment on this post and leave a detailed suggestion for a softie, for ex.: "wow sarah! I'm so excited about this giveaway that I wet my pants. Please make a rhino, a pink one."

a comment will give you one entry

2. if you Follow me that will give you 1 MORE entry. (but only if you comment. I wont know what to make you, otherwise.

3. Post about this Dance Peanut Softie Adventure Giveaway on your blog and that will get you 2 more entries.

So you could have a potential of 4 entries!!! right now, based on current comment trends, that would really make you have an unfair advantage, dear reader. But i won't tell if you won't tell.

full disclosure: since i started posting every day, I have felt a need to receive more comments than i generally do (oh, seeker of approval). I'm hoping this giveaway will bring quiet readers out of the woodwork and will also draw more readers to my blog.

And for those of you wondering, still no pop tarts. Today was hard but my resolve was strong.

making a statement on a very good day

I think that blog title says more than I think it will prove to be. In other words, not sure i can live up to it.

First off, I had a great day. I saw two (one at lunch and one in the evening) disabled performers. I work for a disability organization that looks at disability not as a problem with the person but as a problem with society. It's a perspective that I find really meaningful (i work there, afterall) and empowering for people with disabilities. Think about it, when society treats you like you have a problem (lets say, maybe you can't walk) that could be cured if you consulted the right drs, or if not cured, then managed to the point that you'd be all aok to be around people who don't have the problem, just as long as you don't cause any problems or fuss around too much. And also, it would be nice if you would work and not just live off of society, but too bad you can;t since you can't drive. I guess the key point in there is, a medical approach to disability is to cure it or manage it. A social approach looks at society, and the environment and says, well, wouldn't it make people with disabilities more independent if there were elevators at the train so they could take the train to work, and stuff like that. Anyway, I think I'm rambling. The point is, I saw 2 performers today, David Roche and Terry Galloway. They were amazing.

so there is that.....but

I'm also feeling pretty upset because j is in a moms group, a rather big one and they have a message board, and there was recently and outpouring of admiration and appreciation for an author who is anti gay, anti gay marriage and anti gay adoption. There was discussion about how "sux she's that way but love her marriage advice" and J was like, um, maybe not, and maybe there is something more to explore here. And some members her uncool about that and made my poor J feel bad. And I'm mad about it too. i mean really? what would they say if the author was a racist?

I also don't like anyone to feel sad, especially not my girl, so i feel extra upset about it.

day 2, no pop tarts.

apple orchard

these apples are delicious. As a matter of fact they are she said. can all this fruit be free?

It was awhile ago now, but we hit the apple orchard this year. It was tons of fun. We always go with my mom and sisters. This year it was super cold and we went to a place in Wisconsin called Apple Holler. A hootin tootin good time if also a bit expensive and commercial. Still, it was one of those times that was super fun, and it's always nice to have a good time with my family, since that isn't always the case. Peanut loves my mom, and she's a good cha cha (that's her grandma name), but her mothering leaves something to be desired. I've mentioned it before so I won't go into it now. We all know I will mention it again as the holiday season approaches and I grow stressed from it.

I love apple orchard day though. It kind of brings out the best of us all. We come together, pick together, try to stay warm together, enjoy the crisp sweet taste of apples and the warm sugary taste of apple donuts together. This year, peanut was so mobile and loved eating his apples. I think this warmed my mother's heart. Whatever happens, whatever ugly passes between us, I like that we have this. A healthy fall day to celebrate harvest, the earth and going forward. We got a lot of apples that day, but since peanut is an apple or 2 a day kinda guy, and i am a apple or two a day kinda mommy, they are all already gone. So we are back to buying them from Trader Joes.

Here are some pictures from the day.

cha cha picking the first apple

My sister's friend M, Auntie M (my youngest sister who is in High School), My nephew K and apples

Cha cha and Auntie J (K's Mom)

Peanut and his cousin K

Mama, Mommy and Peanut

leapin' leopard

with mama

suckers!!

bay? bay? (band? Band?)

our little leopard on the way to the parade

pumpkin carving on the night of halloween

Halloween was sick house here, but the previous week there was a neighborhood parade and trick or treating in the stores in our hood. Peanut had a blast. There was a marching band. He LOVES marching bands. Sadly, we got the tail end of the band and he wanted to follow them where they were going. He stood watching them saying, "bay? Bay? C'mon? Bye!!"

trying for 30

Now, it's no secret that I don't post as often as some people do. Part of that stems from the fact that i am busy, part of it comes from being lazy, and then I also think no one reads anyway, but that's not the point, I guess. So even though it's november 3rd and I am going to need to play catch up, I am doing the NaBloPoMo challenge. It will give me a chance to articulate all the crazy stuff that's been happening of late.

And hopefully make me a better blogger.

I am going to take this moment to say that while I mostly write about peanut, I'm going to try to write about other things too, like crafting and maybe even politics, Or to bore the life out of you, my life story.

I'm also trying to lose weight, could write about that as well.

remember

A week ago, J and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. We had a rare dinner out to celebrate. We brought the peanut because it feels right to, but also because babysitters are kind of hard to come by. and expensive. and well, again we miss peanut.

J started a paying baby-sitting gig which is awesome. It's just the miracle we needed to get the bills paid and not feel like we are drowning in bills. I feel so relaxed about it now. Chicago is expensive, but it's where we are now, and I like it here, but I also do think that it would be easier to do this if we lived somewhere cheaper. I have 3 jobs here though, and one of them, 2 of them actually, is pretty hard to come by. I am a service dog trainer. and that's not an easy job to get. I also hold a job in a university, and most unis have a firing freeze right now due to the economic crisis. a few months ago, or maybe even a year ago now (where does the time go?) we were considering moving to MN. Then the crisis broke and there was no hope for a job. I'm glad we didn't move. J and p have all kinds of friends and i have my dream job working with service dogs.

In baby news, little 18 month old had a rough night last night. J is trying to nurse him less at night, but sometimes he gets up and wants to nurse right away. Since he sleeps with us, and is very insistent, there is no sleeping when he wants to nurse and the answer is no. So last night, so J could sleep, I packed him up and we slept on the couch with some water. He resists transitional objects, so i brought his small red furry monster, but he wanted nothing to do with him. "No" he said. But he cried every time I tried to take away the sippy. So I ditched it after he fell asleep. For those of you reading and worrying about P's safety on a couch, please don't. He was safe, and had plenty of room, and we have done this before. He slept from 2 till 643. That's how long I slept too. Initially, he had slept from 9:30 till 1:30. Sleep is hard again. That's what I get for thinking it was easier.

I have an extra dog this weekend. A service dog I'm re-training. P loves dogs and couldn't be happier. Winnie, our dog, is also pretty happy.



Well, for a busy mom, I've certainly said more than I thought I would today.

One last thing, I clearly remember what 9/11 2001 was like, and I wish I could hug everyone who is saddened by the disaster. I guess I will just have to remember them and hope that helps a little somehow. I hope peanut never has to experience a day like that.
yesterday at the park, his friend showed up in the exact outfit pretty much. P is trying on his friends helmet.

Have a great weekend y'all and if you're reading, shout me out a hi, even if you usually lurk. I'm wondering who reads and I have no way of knowing unless you comment.

summer!

me and peanut. crappy cell phone picture.

Isn't he sweet? You should see him at 9PM. It has come the time in the peanut's life which sleep has become quite a challenge. Once asleep, he stays asleep. But getting there is a fight. No, a Fight. A big fight with a capital F. At naps, we wear him to sleep, and we do this for the night-time too, sometimes. But he wants to fight fight fight. Tear off my glasses, scream bloody murder, flail, cry. And this is with me singing him gentle lullabyes or to the gentle sounds of Baby Tad.

On the up side, he's proving to be a very physically active kid. He can climb most things in our house, and he knows how to use one thing (like a bucket) to boost himself up to climb on something else (a bookshelf). SO I guess that means he's smart and knows how things work.

he climbed up this slide about 45 times

He likes to stand on odd things, like a bucket or a laundry basket turned upside down. Also his potty.

Oh, speaking of the potty, and TMI moment...He actually did #2 in the potty last week. Kind of not on purpose...but still. It was awesome. Since we cloth diaper, I have lots of moments in which I feel completely grossed out by poop. I look forward to at least having the poop happen in the potty.

Being in a 2 mom household means that we split lots of chores. But being generally more butch than J and also being a different kind of worker than she is, I am in charge of all things gross. I do the diapers, I scoop the litter box. I train the dog. I walk the dog and pick up the poop. I clean up pewk from said dog, cat and baby (if I'm home when it happens). I do all the rodent, dead bird in the yard, spider killing duties. Some nights, I feel pretty grossed out. But I'm glad we cloth diaper. I'm glad we have pets (though i wish the cat would stop peeing on the darn floor.

Not sure where I'm going with this. Oh well. We've been pretty busy and are gearing up for vacation. I love vacation, but my mother who is generally unsupportive of my happiness doesn't and I anticipate some turmoil. This will be especially true since the vacation is with J's family. We go to a cabin on a lake in northern MN every year. I end up feeling a world of guilt for going every year, but enjoy myself while there. We're driving. It's about 10 hours. 8 to St Paul and another 2 the next day to the lake we stay on.

Last year my mom gave me a hard time about it and I just am not looking forward to that. This is one thing that I know peanut will look forward to and treasure as he gets older. a week of family time with many cousins and his grandpa and his moms.peanut at the lake last year with mommy

This post is all over the place. Anyone have any ideas about family balancing acts?

Finally, it's pride weekend here this weekend and I unfortunately have to work. But I'm proud of my life and I'm proud of my family that makes me a better person every single day! Speaking of pride...one thing I'm doing for pride is trying to discover new gay family blogs. I stumbled upon this one called It's Daddies Plural and found they are having a giveaway. Check it out! And I found them through John and Steve are having a Baby. They have a great post on a bunch of gay families in honor of pride. One of my favorite bloggers is there, which is how I found John and Steve. It really pays to surf surf surf!

mama, mommy and peanut summer 09